Perfection and Self-Esteem Counseling

in Brentwood and throughout TN

There is a constant pressure to do everything right, everything perfectly. If it’s not then I am not enough.

It’s a Saturday morning and you wake up feeling the excitement of having a whole day to yourself-to tackle all the things that you have been putting off until you had the right amount of time to get it all together! 

Suddenly, you're hit with the first disappointment of the day- you slept through your alarm and immediately feel the panic of having an hour less of your morning than you planned. As the dread begins to settle in, you begin to mentally re-organize your day- negotiating with yourself how to fit in everything you wanted to get done– ‘Well, I really only need an hour to start my day-it’ll be fine’ or ‘I can stay up a bit later-I used to do it all the time when I was in school-it’ll be fine.’

This negotiation soothes you a bit as you gain the motivation to stare at your lengthy to-do list, probably adding 1-2 more things that you just thought of.  Your brain begins to do mental gymnastics trying to decide where to begin, as if there is a right place to start. Most likely there is even a side track into instagram, tik-tok, facebook, youtube seeing if the answer is there.

By the time you decide on the first task to tackle, you realize you spent too much time deciding where to start. It’s not even 10am and the day feels like a waste…there is no way to get everything back on track…to be able to do it all perfectly. 

Your inner bully is now fully activated, enthusiastically pointing out all the mistakes you’ve already made. Maybe they are even forecasting upcoming mistakes and transporting you into the past of all the mistakes you’ve previously made. Building up its arsenal of proof that ‘I’m not enough.’

This need to be perfect and the accompanying internal pressure doesn’t just show up in your Saturday morning, you notice similar experiences in most areas of your life: 

  • - You have a morning routine, an evening routine, a lengthy list of goals and daily to-dos.

  • - You go back and forth for hours any time you are making a decision.

  • - Spend hours researching, googling, pinning information for a vacation, home project, meal plan.

  • - You start to panic if the plans start to deviate from the schedule that you carefully crafted (even if only in your head).

  • - You get flustered when you hear a compliment not knowing how to react because you don’t believe it's true. 

  • - You check, double check, triple check- and then have someone else check- your email, presentation, plan, etc. 

  • - You don’t let anyone else help you complete a task, because they won’t be able to do it right.

  • - Everything you attempt to do feels weighed down with indecision and doubt, constantly looking for the right solution, trying to eliminate any mistake that you could make.

Believing that if you do it all perfectly then you will finally have the proof that your inner bully needs to leave you alone.

Accepting things as they come, confident that you are enough!

Imagine this…

It’s a Saturday morning and you wake up feeling the excitement of having a whole day to yourself! 

You realize that you slept through your alarm. You stretch thinking to yourself ‘Guess I needed the extra sleep! I am ready for coffee and pancakes!’ 

You have a relaxing morning on the couch- watching cartoons, filling in the crossword, reading a good book-feeling no rush to look at your to-do list. 

It’s 10am and you start organizing your thoughts on how you want to spend the day. You have your tasks that you really want to get done-laundry, cleaning, grocery; you have your tasks that feel like ‘self-care’-going to the gym, meeting up with a friend, returning that amazon package that has been sitting in the corner for a week; and the tasks that you feel excited to do- planning your summer holiday, starting that new puzzle. 

You go through the lists knowing which tasks get to be prioritized and which ones get to be moved to the next day. While every task may not be enjoyable (does anyone enjoy laundry?), there is no sense of uncertainty or dread to getting started. There is no voice saying that ‘if you don’t do it all today, you're a failure,’ or ‘if you don’t do the laundry, cleaning, grocery, gym, friend, return, you don’t get to rest and start that new puzzle.’ 

Your inner voice feels neutral, maybe even ready to cheer you on in having an easy morning, doing the laundry (always a cause for celebration!), and encouraging you to enjoy that puzzle. It is fully connected to the present moment allowing you to trust in yourself that you are enough. 

What a relief that would be! How do I get there?

How Counseling Can Help!

  • Asking yourself ‘Is what my inner voice telling me true? ‘Is what my inner voice is telling me helpful.’

  • Challenging the truthfulness of a thought, identifying helpful thoughts, letting go of hurtful thoughts, and practicing behaviors that facilitate change.

  • Diving deep into your beliefs surrounding perfectionism and how this impacts your beliefs about yourself.

  • Identify what your values in life are-separating these out from the expectations that you have adopted from others.

  • Connect with the present moment, paying attention to the here and now, as well as connecting to internal thoughts and feelings.

  • Giving yourself permission to make mistakes and even fail, without judging yourself.

  • The work that you are doing in this space is challenging and can take time, celebrate the milestones of this journey.

  • Allowing all of your experiences, thoughts and feelings to be present and be heard, and then letting them go.

In building these skills, you create space to interact compassionately with yourself. You recognize that your value and worth as a person is not connected to how much you do, how well you do it, or how much you give-much less that you need to be perfect-to be enough. You are able to accept yourself exactly as you are, while still setting goals and developing. The difference becomes these are your goals-not others expectations- and you become focused on the journey rather than the destination. 

Therapy for Perfection and Self-Esteem can help take you

From:

  • Harsh

    Indecisive

  • Bully

  • Perfect

  • Not Enough

To:

  • Compassionate

  • Decisive

  • Cheerleader

  • Progress

  • Worthy

Let go of perfection and feel confident

in the life you are creating!

 Frequently Asked Questions:

  • A: Essentially Yes…but with some slight differences.

    For many of us, our brain is constantly thinking, coming up with a verbal narrative or a series of images, potentially both.

    Our internal narrative gives us reminders, lets us plan, helps get us from point a to point b, etc. It is a helpful, and maybe even necessary, component of us living with intentionality and purpose.

    Our inner cheerleader is that voice that encourages us by saying ‘You got this,’ ‘Way to go,’ ‘Amazing work!’ ‘I’m so proud of you!’ ‘Your on the right track!’ It’s the voice that helps us move towards our goal in a way that is kind and inspiring.

    Our inner bully is that voice that pushes us towards our goals by saying ‘I can’t believe you did that!’ ‘Do you know what you're doing?’ ‘If you did it this way, you would have been successful.’ It’s the voice that tries to push us towards our goal from a place of fear and insecurity.

    So while many of us have a constant narrative in our head, many of us find it distressing when that inner voice consistently takes on a ‘bullying’ tone and word choice.

  • A: Striving toward a goal, wanting to improve in some way, or having high standards is not inherently something to be changed. In many cases it is helpful in moving us forward in life and is a shared human experience. However, if our striving for perfection is based on other’s expectations or society’s expectation, perfection is the only acceptable outcome, and we engage our inner bully’s highly critical attitude when we fall short, the striving can become harmful to our mental health, to our relationships, to our work, and in most areas of our life that we engage with on a daily basis.

    Through counseling we work to redefine striving, where your goals are coming from, the milestones of ‘success,’ and reducing the frequency and impact of your highly critical inner bully.

  • A: Perfection, or perfectionistic tendencies, can develop as a response or a defense to the ‘not enough’ feeling. That if you do everything right, make no mistakes, succeed on the first try, on your own, do it all perfectly (deep breath)... then your ‘inner bully’ will have nothing to say. The point would be proven, the case would be shut…you will have been deemed worthy and are able to move forward in life confidently.

    Alas, perfection is unattainable (at least in all areas of life, at all times), this need to be perfect to prove to your inner critic you are worthy, actually leads to more self-criticism and judgment rather than less.